


The Loser-Cast: Welcome to the Loser's Club

by tvfordessert



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: ben's a total hufflepuff, but mostly just sass being thrown every which way, except for ben, slightly ben x beverly too, slightly reddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 13:05:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12410835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvfordessert/pseuds/tvfordessert
Summary: A fan-fiction that (ignoring the technological capabilities of the period) attempts to answer the question - what if The Loser's Club had their own podcast?





	The Loser-Cast: Welcome to the Loser's Club

**STANLEY URIS**

For the record, I didn't want to do this.

 **RICHIE TOZIER** _(to Stan, sarcastically)_

_Great._

**RICHIE** _(to audience)_

Welcome to the Loser's Club, asshole.

**EDDIE KASPBRAK** _(to Richie)_

Is that really how you want to start this thing off?

**RICHIE**

Yeah, why? You got a problem with it, Eds?

**EDDIE**

Well, first - don't call me that.

But, you really want to start off by calling our listeners assholes?

**BEN HANSCOM**

We literally call _ourselves_ Losers.

**MIKE HANLON**

Also, what makes you think anyone will listen to this, Eddie?

Like, you guys are my friends and I actively tune you out half the time.

 **STAN** _(Sarcastically)_

Geez, thanks Mike.

**RICHIE**

On that note, welcome to the Loser-cast, recorded live from the Loser's Clubhouse in Derry, Maine, the worst town in America.

I'm you host Richie Tozier, but these dick-heads call me Trashmouth.

**EDDIE**

I can't imagine why.

**BILL DENBROUGH**

H-host?

**MIKE**

Yeah, anyone else recall Richie saying we were all gonna be equal co-hosts?

 **STAN** _(to audience)_

You can't see this, but I'm raising my hand.

**RICHIE**

Okay, okay. I'll admit some things were said, but I have since come to the realization that this freak show needs a ring leader and I'm clearly the one with the voice for radio.

 **RICHIE** _(affecting a Looney-Tunes style voice)_

Ain't that right, folks?

**STAN** _(flatly)_

You certainly have a face for radio.

_(Losers collectively revel in Stan's burn)_

**MIKE** _(amused)_

Oh shit.

**RICHIE**

Well, since I was planning on spending this episode on introductions, that, ladies and gentlemen, was Stanley Uris who clearly only knows how to expressive his love for me in the form of cheap insult comedy.

**BILL**

I feel like that's the pot c-c-calling the kettle black, Richie.

**RICHIE**

Exactly Bill! To add insult to injury, he's stealing my moves.

Anything else you have to say for yourself, Stan?

**STAN**

Yeah, sure. Our friend Richie's making us do this dumb podcast for some reason.

**RICHIE**

I've explained this to you already, it's so we can share our many exciting adventures.

**BILL**

And w-what excitement would that be?

**EDDIE**

Seriously, you've said all there is to say already. We live in the worst place on Earth and literally built this clubhouse to hide from the kids who intend to beat our faces in on a daily basis.

**RICHIE**

Whoa - okay. Circumstances may be shitty at times, but we still have fun!

 **MIKE** _(attempting to prove Richie wrong with an example of the mundane nature of their lives)_

I literally watched Ben fall off of his bike yesterday after braking too aggressively for a squirrel that darted into the street.

**BEN**

I didn't want to hurt him!

**RICHIE**

See? Hilarious!

_(Ben shoots him a disapproving look)_

**RICHIE**

Who else wants to go?

**EDDIE**

Fine. I'm Eddie Kaspbrak, and I'm here too.

**RICHIE** _(employing a sarcasm of the highest order)_

Wow Eds, what an introduction!

**EDDIE**

Don't call me that.

**RICHIE**

Some other things you need to know about Eddie? He has asthma, anxiety, some kind of autoimmune disorder - he's basically dying. He can't even do gym class.

Oh yeah, he's also still breastfed -

_(Losers erupt in laughter)_

**EDDIE**

Okay. Yes, my mother can be a little -

**BEN**

She told me you couldn't come to the library to study once because "that place is overrun with dust" to which you're apparently deathly allergic?

**STAN**

She asked me if I was afraid of catching the bird-flu when I told her I enjoy bird watching.

**MIKE**

She still thinks you could catch rabies from visiting me at the farm. _Rabies!_

**BILL**

And r-remember last Christmas when her "g-gift" was ruining your bike with all those r-ridiculous safety lights.

**RICHIE**

That was like some industrial-grade bullshit too. It took us hours to get that stuff off!

**BEN**

She offered to give my bike the same treatment. I politely declined.

**RICHIE**

One time, I slept over and she literally fed us Pepto-Bismol for dessert.

**STAN**

Okay Richie, you see all of ours were real and then you had to go and -

 **EDDIE** _(ashamed)_

No. He's actually telling the truth.

**STAN** _(disgusted)_

Oh my god, that's terrible.

**RICHIE**

You're telling me.

**RICHIE** _(to audience)_

Okay, so you've met Stan "The Man", who apparently fancies himself quite the roast-master today, Eddie Spaghetti, and me, your handsome host. Who's next?

**BEN**

Can I go now? Are we doing this in any special order?

**STAN**

Since Richie has established himself as our "host", I think it's fair to say any coherency is out the window.

**EDDIE**

My mom says you have ADHD, Richie.

**RICHIE**

Tell her to keep the diagnosing to her own kid, will ya?

**BILL**

A-anyway, you were saying, Ben?

**BEN**

Well, I'm Ben Hanscom and I'm not really sure what this is, but Richie asked nicely for once, so I knew it was important to him.

**MIKE**

Not like we have a choice since, you know, he's doing it in the one place where we all hang out.

**STAN**

Once again, roped into another one of Richie Tozier's schemes.

**RICHIE**

You love my schemes, Stanley.

 **STAN** _(sarcastically)_

Sure, keep telling yourself that.

**BILL**

You have been quiet talkative, St-Stan. Are you sure you d-don't like this idea a l-little?

**BEN**

You've been pretty quiet though, Bill.

**RICHIE**

Yeah Bill, what gives? Wanna give yourself a proper introduction?

**BILL**

F-fine, I'm Bill Denbrough and y-yes I st-st-stutter, which I'm s-sure doesn't make for good pod-podcasting.

**RICHIE**

If anyone has a problem with that, they'll have to go through us.

**EDDIE**

Which isn't hard to do.

**RICHIE**

I swear, it's like you have no faith in us, Eds.

**EDDIE**

Excuse me, but aren't you the one missing a tooth right now from a run-in with Henry Bowers?

Not to mention Ben's fucking stomach.

**BEN**

Do we have to talk about this?

**MIKE**

Yeah what the fuck guys? You literally just introduced the worst person on the planet before me.

**RICHIE**

Oh shit, you haven't done your introduction yet, have you?

**MIKE**

Thanks for noticing, host.

**BILL**

I feel like we're always kind of d-doing this to him.

**MIKE**

Exactly. I'm Mike Hanlon the, apparently, long-forgotten member of the Loser's Club.

**RICHIE**

Okay, no need to be dramatic.

**MIKE**

Richie, I know that you thew me that surprise party last year to cover up the fact that you forgot my actual birthday.

**STAN**

To be fair, that's just Richie being a shitty friend.

He forgets my birthday every year.

**RICHIE**

Not true. It's February...30th?

**STAN**

No, it's not.

**EDDIE**

That's not even a day, Richie.

**BEN**

I didn't forget your birthday, Mike.

**MIKE**

I know Ben.

**EDDIE**

Richie's _clearly_ just bad with dates.

I swear the only reason he remembers mine is because it's the only day my mom let's me have dessert.

**RICHIE**

I could seriously marry her chocolate cake.

 **STAN** _(under his breath)_

Yeah, let's all pretend the _cake's_ who he wants to marry in that scenario.

**EDDIE**

What?

**STAN**

Nothing.

_(Bill, the only one who caught this remark, chuckles)_

**RICHIE**

If she put as much time into baking as she did into health-scares, I'd probably like her a lot better. Though, if she provided pastries more than just the one day a year, I'd probably big as big as Ben.

 **BILL** _(defensively)_

H-Hey.

**RICHIE**

What?

**BILL**

Lay off him.

**BEN**

I'm use to it.

**BILL**

Yeah, w-well you shouldn't be.

**STAN**

In case you guys haven't caught on, Richie's kind of a shithead.

**RICHIE**

But you all love me for it.

**MIKE**

Debatable.

**BEN**

Hey Richie?

**RICHIE**

Yeah?

 **BEN** _(motions to his phone)_

Were we still gonna do that thing you talked about, or -

**RICHIE**

Oh shit, I almost forgot.

**STAN**

Great work, "ring leader".

**RICHIE**

See, it's not just you, Mike.

 **RICHIE** _(to Ben)_

Ben, if you would do us the honors.

_(Ben dials and a ringing phone is heard)_

**RICHIE**

There's one last Loser to introduce.

_(Dial-tone cuts out)_

**BEVERLY MARSH** _(over the phone)_

Hey, Ben! What's up?

 **BEN** _(sheepishly)_

Hi.

**RICHIE**

Beverly! How's it going, girl?

 **BEV** _(laughs)_

Hey Richie!

Is it fair to assume everyone's there?

 **LOSERS** _(cacophonously)_

Hi Beverly.

 **BEV** _(laughs harder)_

What's up? I miss you nerds.

**BEN**

We miss you too, Beverly.

**RICHIE**

So, Beverly, remember that radio show I talked about doing?

**BEV**

I'm on it now, aren't I?

**STAN**

Unfortunately, we all are.

**MIKE**

Don't worry, it's not like anyone's going to listen to this.

**BEV**

No, stop, I think it's a great idea! You have to promise to call me every time you do it, okay?

**BILL**

W-we will.

**RICHIE**

As always, Beverly's the only one of you with any vision!

**EDDIE**

So, I suppose now's not a good time to tell her that you almost forgot to call?

**BEV**

Richie!

**BEN**

Don't worry, I reminded him.

You're an important member of the group after all.

**BEV**

Thanks, Ben, you're damn right I am!

So, what do you want me to talk about, Richie?

**RICHIE**

This episode's just kind of an introduction, I guess. So, _(Richie affects "intercom" voice)_ state your name and purpose please.

_(Stan rolls his eyes)_

**BEV**

Okay, well I'm Beverly Marsh.

As for my purpose, I suppose we're all still searching for that, aren't we?

**RICHIE**

Shit Marsh, no need to get all existential on us!

**BEV**

I'm sorry Richie, but someone's got to balance out all your dick-jokes and ridiculous voices.

 **RICHIE** _(affects "southern dame" voice)_

Why Ms. Marsh, I thought you found my voices sweeter than Georgia tea on a hot summer day!

 **BEV** _(laughs)_

You know I love you Richie but you do have the tendency to...what's the word? Deflect?

 **EDDIE** _(enthusiastically)_

I would just like to jump in and say - yes, this is absolutely true! You can never talk to him about anything serious what-so-ever.

**BILL**

The T-Tozier's sent my family a card when-when G-Georgie died. Th-they all wrote the normal stuff - "s-sorry for your loss", "let us know wh-what we can do". E-except Richie just wrote "this sucks" n-next to a little doodle he m-made of Georgie.

**EDDIE** _(in disbelief)_

How have I never heard this story?

**RICHIE**

Hey, I though you said you liked that drawing.

**BILL**

It did l-look like him.

**MIKE**

Well, I think that story more than illustrates your point Beverly.

**BEV**

You know where to reach me if Richie ever gets out of line.

Unfortunately, it does look like I have to run right now though. But, I'm serious - you guys better call me next time you do this.

And Ben, you know you can call me to catch up without the rest of these nerds on speaker phone, right?

 **BEN** _(blushes)_

Okay.

**BEV**

You promise to call me soon?

**BEN**

I promise.

**BEV**

Okay then, later Losers.

_(phone hangs up)_

**RICHIE** _(to audience)_

So, there you have it - proof that we know a girl.

 **MIKE** _(sarcastically)_

But just the one.

**BEN**

She's a good one, though.

**RICHIE**

Okay Ben, turn down the heart eyes, you're grossing out our listeners.

**BILL**

S-so is that it?

**RICHIE**

What do you mean?

**BILL**

Th-that's everyone, right?

**RICHIE**

Yeah, but did you think this podcast was just gonna be us saying our names and that's it?

 **BILL** _(mildly frustrated)_

You literally j-just told Beverly that this episode was for introductions.

**RICHIE**

Okay, yes. But we can talk about other stuff too.

**STAN**

Well, how's he supposed to know that? You literally gave us no guidance.

**MIKE**

And how long do these things typically go? Need I remind you - I'm the only one here with an actual job.

**RICHIE**

Fine, fine! I'll wrap it up soon, since this episode _is_ mostly about intros. But for future reference - grilling the host about the logistics of the show _while_ it's happening doesn't make for great radio.

**STAN**

Out of the many words that could describe what we're doing right now , I somehow doubt that the phrase "great radio" would have be one of them.

**BEN**

Wait, I thought this was a podcast?

**STAN**

Same difference.

**RICHIE**

No, it- you know what, Stan? I'm not getting into this with you again.

**MIKE**

Okay, I know you just explicitly told us not to do this, but - what else do you want us to talk about?

**RICHIE**

Well, with individual introductions out of the way, I figured we could talk about who _we_ are, like as a group.

**BEN**

A bunch of nerds who get beat up all the time?

**RICHIE**

Besides that.

**EDDIE**

The Loser's Club of Derry, Maine.

**STAN**

No to be confused with the Loser's Clubs of other towns.

**BILL**

I g-g-guess Richie's right, we do go on some adventures.

**RICHIE**

That's the spirit, Bill. We're not entirely as lame as the rest of you make it sound.

**EDDIE**

Except most times "adventure" just means Richie getting us in trouble.

**RICHIE**

I resent that.

**MIKE**

He's right, though.

**RICHIE**

I didn't say he way wrong, I said I resented it.

**BILL**

Wh-what else is there to say about us?

**STAN**

We're about to be sophomores at Derry High School.

**MIKE**

Except me.

**STAN**

Except Mike, who's home-schooled and works entirely too much.

**MIKE**

Not that any of that saves me from enduring your school's resident psychopath.

**BEN**

Do we really _have_ to talk about Henry Bowers on this podcast?

**EDDIE**

Well, he's like half the reason we hang out in this shit-hole.

**MIKE**

Seriously, do none of you appreciate a single thing that I do?

**EDDIE**

Sorry, Mike.

 **EDDIE** _(to audience)_

Mike helped fix up the clubhouse.

**BILL**

It-It seriously l-looks way better than it used to.

**BEN**

I don't know, I've always kind of liked it here.

**STAN**

That's cause it's the only place in Derry where it doesn't actually feel like you're in Derry.

**RICHIE**

Our small sanctuary from the prevailing shit-storm that is this town.

**EDDIE**

This place is seriously cursed.

**BEN**

At least we have each other.

**MIKE**

And Richie's imaginary audience.

**BILL**

I h-honestly think that Be-Bev-Beverly's the only one who's gonna listen to this.

**RICHIE**

Beverly Marsh is a noble enough cause for continuing this in my book.

I know there are, at the very least, two of you that agree with me.

**MIKE**

I suppose I could do this again, if I'm not working.

**RICHIE**

We get it Mike - you have a job.

But seriously, I'm gonna hold you to that.

**MIKE**

And I'm gonna hold you to actually remembering my birthday this year.

**RICHIE**

Happy birthday, Mike.

**RICHIE**

It's not today Richie, but good try.

**RICHIE**

I'm just saying, this process would be a whole lot easier for you if you just got Mrs. Kaspbrak to make you a cake.

Speaking of which, I'm hungry, does anyone have food?

_(zipper sound)_

**RICHIE**

Thanks.

**STAN**

For the listeners - so, Beverley - Eddie just handed Richie a bag of trail mix from his fanny pack.

 **RICHIE** _(chewing)_

Hey, this bag has my name on it!

**EDDIE**

What, did you think I'd been giving you my own food all this time? You're always hungry, and never prepared - I pack Richie bags.

 **STAN** _(slightly nauseated)_

You two are unreal.

 **RICHIE** _(chewing)_

Well, since chewing also makes bad radio, I suppose we can sign off for now.

**MIKE**

I think that answers my question from earlier - this podcast will only go on for as long as Richie can go without eating.

**EDDIE**

So, like no more than an hour.

 **RICHIE** _(still chewing)_

Whatever, guys.

**BEN**

So, now it's done?

**RICHIE**

No, we've all got to say our names and sign off.

**STAN** _(regretfully)_

It feels like we just did this a second ago.

**RICHIE**

Look who suddenly wants to do more podcasting.

I promise, we'll talk more next time. This was just a warm-up for you guys.

**MIKE**

Anyone else not like the sound of that?

 **STAN** _(to audience)_

I'm raising my hand again.

**RICHIE**

So ungrateful.

Okay Bill, take it away for the sign-offs.

**BILL**

Me?

**RICHIE**

Yeah, I figured we'd just go around in a circle.

**MIKE**

Guys, Richie finally discovered some sort of organized system.

**STAN**

It only took him a full episode.

**EDDIE**

It took him like a full fifteen years.

**BILL**

Okay, I'm B-Bill Denbrough

**BEN**

Ben Hanscom, and I'll sign off on Beverly's behalf too.

**STAN**

I'm Stan Uris.

**MIKE**

I've been Mike Hanlon.

**EDDIE**

I'm Eddie Kaspbrak, and you're gonna call them assholes again aren't you?

**RICHIE**

You read my mind, Eds.

**RICHIE** _(to audience)_

And I'm your humble host, Richie Tozier saying: catch you later, asshole.

_(pause)_

**STAN**

Wow, that sucked.


End file.
